Who wants more Jack Sparrow?! We know you do, Michael Bolton. The question is, do we? The answer is...no.
If you saw the first Pirates movie, you were like, "Whoa! That was kind of awesome!"
If you saw the second Pirates movie, you were like, "Whoa. That was kind of long."
If you saw the third Pirates movie, you were like, "Whoa. That was kind of enough."
So if you see Pirates IV: Pirates In Space, you're gonna be like, "Whoa. I've got to stop doing this."
The story is this: someone has been going around old Londontown impersonating Captain Jack Sparrow, trying to get a crew together. The King isn't having any of that, so he orders Captain Jack Sparrow to trial, but Captain Jack Sparrow beat up the judge and stole his clothes. Like in a cartoon. But, since this is mostly a cartoon, whatever.
Then, Captain Jack Sparrow has a crazy fight with the King's guardsmen, who are naturally the most inept fighters in all the kingdom. A dozen of these guys, all armed, and none of them can stop a wobbly drunk.
Now, Captain Jack Sparrow has found out that someone is impersonating Captain Jack Sparrow, so he ends his chase at Ye Olde Pirate Bar. Here he meets his dad, Captain Keith Richards Sparrow. Not sure why, but it definitely wasn't important. Then Captain Jack Sparrow overhears someone saying that Captain Jack Sparrow is in the bar, but it's not the real Captain Jack Sparrow - it's the imposter Captain Jack Sparrow!
Cut to Cartoon Gag #2: the two Captain Jack Sparrows matching each other's movements on opposite sides of a pole. From there, I half-expected them to chase one another in turn, running past the same backdrop over and over again, or someone to ask a question that only the REAL Captain Jack Sparrow would know, but no dice. Don't worry, there's always going to be a Pirates 5.
Also disappointing: we NEVER get to see the Fake Captain Jack Sparrow acting like the real Captain Jack Sparrow. The first 10 minutes of the movie are built up to this confrontation, and we never get to see it. Which would have been especially entertaining since the Fake Captain Jack Sparrow is...A WOMAN!
Oh yeah, Penelope Cruz is in this, too.
So, we're spared Penelope Cruz doing an impression of Johnny Depp doing an impression of Keith Richards, who is in the next room. META.
Since this is a Pirates movie, it's time to get ON A BOAT! Whose boat is it? Blackbeard! The pirate that all pirates fear! Why? Because he's kind of a dick. Oh, and he has flamethrowers on the front of his boat. His wooden boat.
Oh, Captain Barbossa is in this one, too. He's gone all legit and works for the King now.
Turns out that Captain Jack Sparrow is the only one that can find the Fountain of Youth, which Blackbeard, Pirate Penelope Cruz, the Spanish Armada and the King of England all want. And it turns out it's not that hard to find. It's on Mermaid Island.
You see, only a mermaid's tear can grant you eternal life. This is important, because they mention it EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES.
Literally.
For some reason, there's a priest on Blackbeard's boat. His presence is never satisfactorily explained, but I'm pretty sure it's there only to set up Captain Jack Sparrow's line, "I support the Missionary's position."
I won't spoil the rest of it, but I will this single fact: Captain Jack Sparrow does not die.
The biggest problem with this movie is there's no characters besides Captain Jack Sparrow that we give a crap about. Neither Orlando Bloom or Keira Knightley wanted to do another Pirates movie, so their places are kind of taken by the priest and a mermaid, but not really, since neither appear until 1/3 of the way into the movie. Plus the priest has no personality and the mermaid has less. She's just hot.
The 2nd biggest problem is that Captain Jack Sparrow feels out of place in his own movie. How can that be, it's a Pirate movie? Well, this Pirate movie was based on the 1987 Tim Powers novel, On Stranger Tides. Which does not feature Captain Jack Sparrow. So in essence, he's just kind of along for the ride on this one, despite being the central character.
Make sense? This should help: there's zombies in this movie.
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